Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
