My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
