I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
