WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
