Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
