Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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