i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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