One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you never un-have a 4some
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
