Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
