She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
