It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
