I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
