just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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