I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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