"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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