I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize