I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
