And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
