Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
