Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize