so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
