so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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