I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
