i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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