Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
