I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
