When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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