last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
