So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
