if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
