My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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