quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Someone came in the potted fern
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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