I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
