Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
