I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
