Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
