Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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