He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
