Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
