i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
