did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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