I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
