Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
