He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
