Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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