you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
