I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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