good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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