so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
