Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
