...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
