he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
