Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
