these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize