So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
