dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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