oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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