I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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